Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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