she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
