I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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