I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
