There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
