Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
