Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize