I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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