This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
