What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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