how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
