I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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