I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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