Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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