Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
