I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
