True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
