Whod you bang
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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