Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
