I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize