I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize