two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
