the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
