so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
