I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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