I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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