I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
