i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
