I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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