Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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