omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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