She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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