I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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