I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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