So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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