It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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