Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
