YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
