Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
