Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
