wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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