i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize