i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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