So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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