No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
