textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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