Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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