he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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