I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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