Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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