I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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