I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
