***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
