i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
