If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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