I skipped work to stalk him.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just found puke in my bra..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
